Miscarriage & Stillbirth

When you took that pregnancy test, and learned that you were pregnant, you were so excited for what was to come. You could picture what your sweet little one might look like, maybe thought about names, or planned out their nursery. You may have felt a little overwhelmed or scared about this new adventure, but either way, you were thrilled to welcome this precious little soul into your family.

It feels really unfair when you see friends or family members having healthy babies without a care in the world. Or even worse, when you see other women complaining about their pregnancies when they have a healthy baby still growing in their womb. It feels like no one understands this pain, and you feel like you need to stay quiet about your loss and pretend like you’re fine. But you would give anything to have your baby healthy and in your arms.

Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR)

When you have planned a pregnancy, tried to do everything right, desperately wanted this child, but ultimately made the heartbreaking decision to end the pregnancy because of a devastating diagnosis, there really are no words to accurately describe the combination of horrible emotions you are left with. You are grieving the loss of the child that you want, but you are also consumed with guilt over your decision that you didn’t even want to make in the first place. It was an impossible choice.

You might have people in your life who nonchalantly tell you that you made the right decision, but that doesn’t feel comforting because you didn’t want to make the choice you did. You might have others who judge you for your choice when you were faced with a decision without any good outcome. You might also feel like your decision was misaligned with your own beliefs or values, and you might be judging yourself most of all because you wanted that sweet baby. You didn’t want to make this decision. You just didn’t want your baby to suffer (or you didn’t want to die and leave your older kids without a mother), but now, in turn, you are the one suffering. And you feel so alone in your guilt and pain that feels like it will never end.

In the past, you either understood why others terminated their pregnancies, but never thought that you would. Or you never could have even fathomed making this kind of decision because it didn’t align with your values. Then the doctor delivers you the excruciating news that your baby has a diagnosis that is either not compatible with life, or that their life will be filled with pain and suffering, or that you will die and leave your older children alone if you continue with the pregnancy. It is such a horrible position to be in.

Losing a baby, no matter how small, is devastating.

Maybe you’ve been trying to go through the motions, or maybe you feel like you just cannot function anymore. Maybe you’ve been avoiding friends or family who might stir up the pain of this horrible loss. Maybe you feel sick to your stomach anytime you see another pregnant woman who is getting what you desperately want.

You are just ready for some relief from the pain.

After experiencing such a horrible loss, it can be so difficult to get up and move forward. And you might even feel like you shouldn’t get up and move forward because you feel you need to honor your baby with your grief.

As someone who has also experienced devastating perinatal losses, I truly understand how hard it can be to just put one foot in front of the other after losing your much-wanted baby.